A Woman's Issues

Couch Potato to 5K: Week 2 do-over

2008-08-19T10:47:00.002-05:00

I guess this would be week 2 of the program for me, since I had the accident in the middle of my week 2 and had to go off the program for two weeks, but today I actually managed a full 30 minutes of intervals - up from 18 the first two times I ran. Plus, many of the intervals were actually 90 seconds, instead of the 60 I had been doing. A few there in the middle I could only do 30-45 seconds each, but I pushed myself at the end to get another 90-second run in.

Still running brutally slow, and had to stop after 15 minutes of intervals because my side was splitting me in half. But overall, pretty proud of me.

Next run is Friday, then another on Monday to start week 3. Let's see if I can get 30 minutes of continuous 90-second intervals next time.

Also, side progress note: The clothes I'm wearing right now actually fit me better than they did when I bought them. This both excites and disturbs me - I'm excited that I have a whole new outfit at my disposal (and quite nice one at that), but disturbed that I once bought clothes that barely fit me.

total non-sequitor: can I just admit that I'm a bit annoyed that they call this "couch potato to 5k?" I work out CONSTANTLY, yet this has been a huge challenge for me. Can't they call it "first time runner's training" or something that doesn't make it seem like you just got up from eating a bag of Cheetos and decided to run one day?

Workout progress/injuries

2008-08-18T18:23:00.002-05:00

So far, since February, I've gotten from 210 to 185 - a total of 25 pounds gone. Good job me!

The challenge now is keeping the momentum going, especially since:

• the last two months have actually seen only a 1-pound loss, which suggests that even despite my extensive time on the elliptical I'm having a hard time keeping the momentum going;

• my recent injury from a car accident, combined with the trainer's increasing intensity, have made it hard to get into the gym as often as I'd like.

So, now, apparently, I have to Mix Up my workouts. The suggestion from the trainer is Incline Walking and Running. Right now running just isn't going to work, since I'm still recovering from the headaches and hip stuff - but I managed 20 minutes of pretty intense Incline Walking at the gym on Sunday along with another 20 minutes on the elliptical, and it was definitely doable. Tomorrow, I go back for more Incline Walking/Elliptical training, and then next week I start running again. In the meantime, I also have to start fitting yoga in - fixing up the yoga room helped, but the motivation's been tough to get going.

Here's to reaching 180!

Today's workout: recovering from injury

2008-08-06T20:12:00.002-05:00

Today: 30 minutes on the elliptical, followed by 45ish minutes of a really hard strength workout invented by my evil trainer. Also did the same strength workout on Sunday, with much less success than I did today.

Friday, I got rear-ended in my friend Leah's Jeep coming back from picking up a new bed. Although I totally thought I was fine, as it turns out I have some weird thing with my neck that's causing a crazy headache that starts in the middle of my eyes and goes up over my head, down the right side and into my right shoulder. Not so fun.

Nevertheless, I was at the gym this morning, and on Sunday, working it out. Did take Monday and Tuesday off, and felt guilty the whole time. Really hoping I don't regret this.

Running day 2: man, that hurt

2008-07-30T11:41:00.005-05:00

Today's run started with 30 minutes on the elliptical (damn them for playing a James McAvoy movie at the gym) followed by another 23 minutes of 60-second walk/run intervals. First 10-15 minutes were fine; by minute 22 (the last run) my sides had started buckling up.

Next time, I'll likely do 15 on the elliptical, or potentially start off with walking again (I'm scheduling another run for Sunday). Can't say I'm disappointed with my progress, but it does look like this running thing will take a while to get into fully, and I don't want to stall my weight loss by moving into an activity that I have to take slowly.

Meanwhile, I did some quick measurement comparison at the gym.

Back in 9/07 (when I quit the gym for a while):

weight: 208

tricep: 13.5

chest: 42.5

waist: 38

abs: 42

hips: 43.75

thigh: 27.5

calf: 16.5

as of 7/25/08:

weight: 186 (-22lbs)

tricep: 13 (-.5 in)

chest: 40.5 (-2 in)

waist: 35 (-3 in)

abs: 39.5 (-2.5 in)

hips: 42 (-1.75 in)

thigh: 25.5 (-2 in)

calf: 16 (-.5 in)

It would be great if these numbers were a bit lower, but I'll take it. Also, this really is pretty impressive considering that technically, I've only been losing weight since February of this year, and I started at 210 in February.

The only thing I'm worried about now is plateauing - I want to keep the weight loss going. I'll figure it out somehow.

Today's workout

2008-07-29T14:51:00.002-05:00

45 minutes on the elliptical, followed by about 20 minutes of intense stretching. I really needed the stretching; my hips especially have been mad as hell at me for the last couple of weeks.

I'm very glad that I didn't feel as sick/nasty this morning as I did yesterday, but yesterday's case of the nasties was an interesting experience. I just was tired everywhere in my body, and couldn't focus worth a darn. Looking at a few days of eating records, I'm realizing that I'm not feeding myself nearly enough during the day, which is resulting both in feeling really nasty/useless all day and gorging myself on whatever's available and convenient in the evenings. Today was the first day of planning out what to eat, and I think I'm doing all right so far. My cereal and blueberries for breakfast, a couple of fresh rolls and a small iced coffee for 1st lunch (at 11am), and brown rice with steamed spinach, olives, cashews and a bit of Bragg's Liquid Aminos for 2nd lunch (at 3, when I become STARVING). I feel much better today.

Either tonight or tomorrow, I go for my second running session. I'm thinking about five PM I'll think about it.

Today's workout/progress

2008-07-27T14:44:00.003-05:00

Today: 15 minutes of elliptical followed by 30 minutes of strength training and 15 minutes of stretching.

Normally, I flank my strength workouts with 15-minute jaunts on the elliptical, but last night's run has my legs and hips a bit tighter than normal, and I started feeling gentle pulls on my thighs as I did the first part of my strength workouts (front, side and back squats with a 4-kg medicine ball), so I felt it was probably best to rest and stretch after the workout.

All in all, though, it felt good - and my mood is much better now than it has been in the last couple of days. This, of course, indicates that I should work out more often, which is Fine by Me.

In terms of progress, I also weighed myself this afternoon - and I'm down to 186, from 189 last week. This is mostly water weight, I'm imagining, but still - that means that 185 is around the corner, which in turn means I'll be down 25 pounds total since the beginning of the year. Not too shabby!

Couch Potato to 5K: Day 1

2008-07-27T11:42:00.004-05:00

Last night was the start of my Couch Potato to 5k training program. I'm not a couch potato at this point by any means, but let me tell you - running's a whole different ballgame. There's another version (which I believe is the official version) here, but I'm doing the program I found on Marathon Training Schedule. It's a bit more doable, I find.

Day 1:

5 minutes brisk walk to start
25 minutes alternating running and walking (1-minute intervals)
10 minutes walking home from Shaw's (laden with vinegar because I'm making mustard and I forgot to get white wine vinegar)

Feeling pretty okay - the last 5-6 minutes of intervals were tough, but I got through them all right. Running for 60 seconds at a time is definitely doable, although 90 seconds would have been a bit too much. Also, it's important to bring water, and to run just around sunset or early in the morning; by the end of 20 minutes of intervals I was insanely thirsty and starting to get a bit weak.

Next week: bring intervals up to 30 minutes at a time, add one run to make 2 total sessions. See if I can bring intervals to 90 seconds-2 minutes at a time on second run.

One major stressor at the moment: I seem to have come down with a Sugar Issue the past couple of weeks. The caramels recently sent to me by a potential client, thankfully, are almost gone, but I can't have more than two of them without going into a sugar coma, and I also ate about a pint of Reese's Miniatures in three days last week. Have to get it under control STAT - it's so hard to get anything done with sugar in my system, and I don't want to derail my progress.

And now, I'm off to the gym for strength training and elliptical before I go see Mamma Mia.

So yeah... back again

2008-05-28T18:21:00.003-05:00

Man, it's been a while since I've updated this blog.

Let's put it out there - last year got me stressed about my weight. Months of working out led to a 2-pound weight GAIN by the end of it, and after moving to Watertown, a 20-minute drive from my gym, I finally ended up giving up on the gym for a couple of months at the beginning of the year.

However, things have changed since February.

After a three-month hiatus from the gym, I finally made an appointment with a nutritionist and got myself back into the gym. Started off slow with 45 minutes of cardio 4-5 times a week, and moved my way up a month later to 45 minutes of cardio 3-4 times a week and 2 days of strength training+cardio. Also, started cutting out most refined carbs and making carbs and cheese a much smaller portion of my overall caloric intake. And, I actually managed to break my fast food habit which, though minor, was a major contributing factor to keeping weight on.

The result? So far, I've lost 17 pounds in the last 3 months, and I'll likely lose another 3-4 this month.

Life is good.

Losing weight this time around has been a very different experience than it was the previous two times I lost weight. Both at 15 and at 25 (the two times that I'd gotten up to the level I was at last year), I switched my diet to a relatively carb-heavy vegetarian diet, high in beans and rice and pasta with maybe some eggs. This time around, I actually had to cut down my portions of rice and pasta to a much smaller portion of my overall meals, and while I'm still building my meals mostly around fresh vegetables (which makes me just so happy!), I'm finding that moderate amounts of meat and fish have become a necessity. Tofu just doesn't do for me what it used to.

All things considered, though, I feel loads better, and look a heck of a lot better than I have in a while. And personally, I can't wait until my size 14s are too big!

It's about time I got to the gym again!

2007-07-23T17:27:00.000-05:00

So, last week was a bit of a bust gym-wise. It was emotionally draining on a number of fronts (which I won't elaborate on), and frankly, I was just too TIRED - to the point where, when I visited my trainer on Tuesday, it knocked me out for the rest of the evening.

However, today I was back in the gym, and I did a full 30 minutes of upper-body work and crunches before doing about 40 minutes on the elliptical. Tomorrow, I have a trainer's appointment at 9am, which I will follow with another 30-40 minutes on the elliptical.

On the eating thing, I'm still working out a system - being so close to the move means no "real" cooking for me, so I got a bunch of prepared stuff at Whole Foods that I'm sustaining myself with for the week. First order of business once I'm in the new place: organize the Kitchen and the Office. Highest Priority.

For now, though, I read Harry Potter.

Morning Notices

2007-07-06T08:20:00.001-05:00

It is a profound testiment to the effectiveness of my almost-daily workouts that, after two days of relative laziness and rampant overeating (hamburgers - I ate HAMBURGERS! AND pizza! What is it about 's house that brings about this profound laziness within me? ah well), my weight hasn't increased. It hasn't really DECREASED either, but I wasn't really expecting it to - it's been a week since I last weighed myself, and I've been adding some serious strength training to my workouts.

What I have noticed, though, is that the mound of flab that has been my stomach over the past several months has been calming down and moving on from me, and my clothes are fitting a bit better (although there's still some work to be done in this regard). Also, there's this glow of contentment and a smile that hasn't really been able to leave my face since starting the workouts, and this pleases me greatly. Plus - I'll say it - I look HOT while I'm working out. At least I did today. Not so much in the yoga classes, but I'm not worried about that. I'll still go, and I'll probably start adding more restorative and hip-opening/shoulder-opening stuff at home as the weeks pass.

I decided to splurge on 10 1/2-hour personal training sessions as a gift to myself. This is probably the last such gift for a while, as I want to start actually SAVING some money, and lately I've been far to spendy. But I don't judge.

Another quick notice: it's GORGEOUS lately. Today's walk to the gym was a delight - still some moisture on the ground, and it hadn't gotten over-hot yet. Today's shower will be good.

On weekends and workouts

2007-07-01T17:36:00.000-05:00

So, after nobly intending to head to Healthworks on the last two weekends, I have come to a temporary conclusion that it's just not going to work - I don't want to make time for the gym on Saturdays or Sundays.

This, however, doesn't mean that I don't want to work out. In fact, I spent most of yesterday walking around downtown Boston with my boyfriend; we went to Chinatown for dim sum followed by seeing Ratatouille at Park Street, and then walked from there through Beacon Hill to Nick's place on MIT campus - estimated time about an hour and a half of walkng. Today, I wandered down to Harvard Square to pick up some necessities (okay, so maybe they weren't NECESSITIES) and had lunch at Oxford Spa on Oxford Street in Cambridge. Estimated time: an hour and a half of walking. Not half bad, I must say. I'm probably going to fit in a fair bit of yoga as well, but I'm not sure what type, as I also am doing some work and packing today.

So, given everything, I think I'm okay with not going to HW on weekends - as long as I know that I'm exercising, and I'm getting there most days during the week, life is still quite good.

Week at a glance: w/e 6/29/07

2007-06-29T22:39:00.000-05:00

This week was pretty good, although I told myself it wasn't. There has been some physical activity every day, although I didn't really do the gym on Thursday, other than my meeting with the trainer and a wee bit of leg nautilus (which I still feel). However, here is the data:

Monday: 30 minutes elliptical
Tuesday: 45 minutes elliptical
Wednesday: 30 minutes elliptical, 60 minutes yoga
Thursday: 90 minutes (roughly) walking around Somerville, 15 minutes nautilus
Friday: 90 minutes power yoga

And now, a note about Power Yoga. I hate it. Despise it. In all the ways that people despise things. It doesn't feel like yoga - it feels like some weird bastard child of yoga and pilates, and it's a way for athletes to trick themselves into thinking they're doing yoga, when really they're doing this weird transcendental aerobics thing that, no matter how many times you chant "om," just. isn't. yoga. As a result, I won't be going to THAT class again.

I have, however, fallen in love with the Wednesday and Thursday evening yoga classes at Healthworks, and plan on making them weekly events. I might, however, shift my Thursday schedule to include belly dance from 7-8 and restorative yoga from 8-9. The same teacher does it, so I think I'll like it just as much.

Next week, I try the Kundalini class. Tomorrow, Slow Flow yoga. Eventually I'm going to try some Pilates and maybe even hip hop, but for now I'm just happy that I've been motivated to do it every day.

Well, I'm fat.

2007-06-28T08:23:00.001-05:00

So the verdict is in - I'm fat. Although I have to say that I guessed pretty well about my current status - I've lost some weight in the last week or two, and the scale told me just about what I expected to hear. And don't worry - I'm not stressed out/angry about it. Honestly, I'm not even really worried about it - because I know it's going to change.

So, to the stats:
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 205 lbs

Body Mass Index: 30.3 (JUST over the obese line)
Body Fat Percentage: 34.9%

Measurements (I'm remembering most of these from the top of my head, so they might be off a bit)
Waist: 43 in
Bust: 44 in
Underbust: 37 in
Hip: I want to say 42?
Thigh: 27.5
Calf: I think 16.5?
Tricep: I think 13.5.

I'll have to double-check the numbers when I get back to the gym today for yoga (didn't get a workout today; just the preliminary stuff), but that's about what she wrote.

What's fascinating about this experience was how calm and - frankly - not upset I was when I heard the numbers. Sure, they're higher than I like, and I still get a twinge of "what the hell" when I look in a mirror (especially when I'm working out), but right now, I just know that it's a starting point, and that all of these numbers are going to change.

So, that said, the goals are:
a) get down to a comfortable size 8;
b) have more energy and focus throughout the day (which is something I'm already achieving)
c) stop getting winded when I reach the top of the stairs in the gym (i.e. three flights of stairs)
d) strengthen my core so that I can do more powerful yoga practices.

I'll re-check all the numbers once a month, and check in with myself periodically to see how I'm feeling, how things are fitting, etc... and every time I lose a size (or achieve a pose I haven't been able to before), I'll celebrate. With what, I haven't determined yet.

I have to admit - this is pretty exciting!

okay, yes, well - it HAS been a long time!

2007-06-27T21:02:00.000-05:00

So, it's been a while since I've updated all the occasional readers out there as to the stuff going on in this area of my life, and I thought I'd break the habit of ignoring this humble blog, especially since now things are actually happening.

This month has been amazing on multiple fronts. For one thing, I have been getting tons of work lately, which has been exhilerating but a bit scary. Through my talks with la lovely therapist and with my amazing lifestyle/business collaborator, Brenda Stanton, I looked within and realized, through waves of concern and panic over whether I can actually be productive with all this work on my plate, that all of the various times that I've been truly productive and happy in my life, I've worked out every day.

So, I made a promise to myself. If one of my new clients came through (one that came in quite randomly about a week and a half ago, and thus was thoroughly extra income), I would join Healthworks in Cambridge and start working out every day.

And, I got the client. So now I'm a Healthworks member. It's been a week and a half, but I've exercised more in the last week and a half than I was able to do in the last month. So far, the changes have been amazing already - although I haven't gotten the eating thing completely handled yet, I've definitely been eating better than I was before, I've been sleeping better, relaxing, and amazingly productive. And - this is important - I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! Whenever I get to a certain weight (and I've been at this weight for over a year) I have horrible breathing problems, especially when I'm exerting myself. But today, I was able to get all the way up three flights of stairs without getting TOO winded - still a bit, but hey. It's progress.

I'll probably post more as the week unfolds, but thought I'd share this for the moment.

Promises to myself

2007-05-11T01:11:00.001-05:00

I promise that I will acknowledge when I kick major ass and forgive myself for the occasional misstep.

I promise that I will honor my body and spirit's needs and not push myself unless I know that to do so will move me further towards my goal.

I promise that I will more carefully evaluate opportunities to make sure they align with my goals and values.

I promise that I will eat ice cream if I damn well want to, but I won't try to shove food down my gullet just to fill some unknown hole.

I promise that I will take charge of my finances once and for all, even if that means seriously buckling down for a year or two to pay off the hideous and evil debt (including the student loans).

I promise that, next year, I will have made more money than last year - and I promise that it will be accomplished without losing sight of my health and well-being.

I promise that I will continue to kick major ass, because I'm damn good at it.

Spring is here!

2007-05-05T11:59:00.000-05:00

Okay, so yeah - I haven't been posting here for a while. But things have been going terrifically well - I think spring fever has finally gotten to me, and I've been clearing out all sorts of junk, both emotionally and physically. Not only was I finally able to get rid of some old-relationship baggage I'd been carrying around with me for years, I was able to finish the zen kitchen's website after six months of stalling, I rearranged my office to be LITERALLY 100% more productive (I actually have a reading/sketching/laptop using nook now!), and I've been able to start tearing through the pile of magazines and books that have been staring me in the face for months.

The further upside of all this lovely productivity is that the weather has been wonderful, so I've been forcing myself to get out and enjoy it for at least an hour per day, and that has not only improved my mood, but I've been seeing increased smallness as well!

Okay, so now I have to head out for brunch with my boyfriend, but thanks for letting me fill you all in on this recent goodness!

Getting over something(s)

2007-04-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

So, I've been fighting off some mystery illness for about a week now - I thought I had gotten over it with antibiotics, but a whole new crop of nasty popped up. I'm reasonably functional, but I have a dry, sore throat in the mornings, my breathing is strained, and my chest feels like it's filled with rubber bands. Ick Ick Ick.

Part of this, I'm guessing, is emotional.

This has been a time of letting go all around - I realized yesterday (with no particular provocation) that a few of the more questionable relationship choices I've made were still lurking in my psyche, and part of that was due to a "memory box" I kept in my built-in hutch. Much of the memory box was filled with correspondence from friends, Christmas cards and the like, but there were also collections of letters from all three of the toxic relationships that currently won't leave my brain. The e-mails from the man who really really liked me until three weeks in before he started panicking, the letters from the guy who was just plain psycho, an unsent letter to a man I should have left less than a month into a 3-month drama stint. All there, all shoving themselves into my line of vision.

Needless to say, most of the box's contents are now in the recycling bin. They go out permanently tomorrow evening. I slept pretty well (despite a minor fit of restlessness) last night, and woke up in a good mood this morning. And the ick is starting to get better. See the connection?

Getting clearer

2007-04-12T09:59:00.000-05:00

This week has been... interesting. Challenging, but interesting.

I realized after a day of being completely useless and, frankly, miserable that, as much as I'd sometimes really like to, I just can't do the after-midnight bedtimes anymore. I wake up too late and feel like a wreck the next day. Part of the late bedtime was due to my own procrastination, as well as my insistance on taking on more during the day than is physically possible (because yeah, I'm Superwoman like that). On Monday, I stayed up until about 2am working on a strategic vision and marketing plan for the zen kitchen, which is a surprisingly exhausting and somewhat scary activity. I'm actually starting to think like a CEO, and being someone who hated corporate in all its incarnations, this is a very new thing for me. So I'm working through it.

Meanwhile, there have been a LOT of positives this week. I seem to be getting smaller again (although I'm not completely sure how), I was able to complete the marketing plan and create a manageable system to market myself each week/month (with actual milestones to track progress), and I'm about halfway done with the tzk mission statement; now I just have to figure out what makes me unique in the marketplace, and start seriously looking at who my competitors are and how I can distinguish myself from them. In the meantime, I have a few new projects trickling in, and a lot of people asking about my services - which is just LOVELY.

That's all to report for now.

Happiness abounds

2007-04-02T13:06:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I haven't been feeding myself that well lately (damnable PMS!) but today, I am in the best mood ever. In a meeting with a potential client (where I was more authentically me and truly effective and clear at What I Do than I've been since I started this business), I realized what I'd been missing - it was that authenticity piece, and that chance to bring a truly well-rounded suite of services to the zen kitchen's clients. For the first time since I hung up my shingle almost a year and a half ago, I was able to communicate with clarity and conviction what I am for my clients - a creative problem solver. Someone who can listen to the challenges you're facing in your business and come up with ideas that can help you turn those problems around. And not only can I come up with the ideas, I have the design talent and creative vision to help you solve those problems on every level, from brand design and print/web pieces to new and simple ways to enhance your customer's experience with your brand. I feel so alive and happy now that I want to squee!

All right - must be productive. But I thought I'd share that as a change from my last few days of whining.

Book Review: Hip Tranquil Chick by Kimberly Wilson

2007-03-31T10:38:00.000-05:00

In the interest of spring renewal (which involves getting through the pile of books - literally about 2 dozen - that I keep saying I'm "going to read" but never make time to), I picked up the copy of Kimberly Wilson's Hip Tranquil Chick that I had gotten from Amazon oh, say, a couple of months ago.

I have to say, I was fairly well set up by her weekly podcast to know what to expect - a guide to mindful and fabulous living told in a somewhat annoyingly girly style. For me, the language was just too much - it was like Cosmo meets Yoga Journal. That said, if you can get past the sheer volume of pink, leopard print, and kitten heel references (which feel like they happen at least once every 5 pages or so), it's a very well thought-out, easy to read book. It covers the basic principles of yoga in an easy-digestible format that made it that much easier to apply it to my life, and gives ideas for living mindfully, decorating fabulously on a budget, taking ultra-good care of yourself, and taking ultra-good care of others through your work. While a lot of the information you could easily get from other sources, the benefit of the book is that it's compact (only a couple hundred pages maybe), VERY easy to read, and covers all the bases.

So, if you're looking for a quick refresher course on how to create a groovy and tranquil existence (and you want to develop a drinking game wherein you take a shot every time you see the words "kitten heels"), definitely pick up this book.

scheduling drama

2007-03-30T09:33:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday, I really did it to myself. Without fully realizing or understanding it, I had booked myself so solid on Thursday that I thought I was going to die - coffee with a colleague at 9:30, followed by a seminar at 1:30, which I had to leave 15 minutes early to participate in a focus group down the street at 3, and then a webinar at 5, followed by a television interview (for an upcoming documentary on Somerville Community Access Television) at 7. Needless to say, I ended up not making a couple of the events - notably the seminar and the webinar. But man, I was still stressed out.

One of the things I'm realizing slowly but surely is how precious my time is - I'm feeling very protective of it at the moment, to the point where I'm almost reluctant to set meetings at all. Which, of course, is not really reasonable - I have to meet with my clients, go to networking events, etc. - but I'm starting to feel a need become much more selective of the events I do attend, and I'm definitely monitoring the amount of volunteer work I engage in.

The things you learn along the way...

Some days are better than others

2007-03-28T20:59:00.000-05:00

So, today wasn't BAD exactly - it was... challenging. Mostly due to the insane PMS that hit me right around noon, which resulted in the purchase and consumption of three - yes, THREE - candy bars. Small ones, yes, but three. And I just haven't been the same since.

What is it about stress and hormones that makes you DO things like that? I was sitting there eating it saying "my lord, this is going to make me a mess in about 10 minutes when all the sugar wears off," but it didn't stop me from eating another bite.

Ah well - there's always tomorrow. And I have a whole pot of low-fat stuffed grape leaves in case I get hungry again!

And the inspirational quote of the day is...

2007-03-26T12:09:00.000-05:00

Something I saw on one of my other blogs today, a quote from Neil Simon. Enjoy!

Don't listen to those who say, "It's not done that way." Maybe it's not, but maybe you will. Don't listen to those who say, "You're taking too big a chance." Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor, and it would surely be rubbed out by today. Most importantly, don't listen when the little voice of fear inside of you rears its ugly head and says, "They're all smarter than you out there. They're more talented, they're taller, blonder, prettier, luckier and have connections…" I firmly believe that if you follow a path that interests you, not to the exclusion of love, sensitivity, and cooperation with others, but with the strength of conviction that you can move others by your own efforts, and do not make success or failure the criteria by which you live, the chances are you'll be a person worthy of your own respect.

Reflections on self-reflection

2007-03-26T10:11:00.000-05:00

This seems to be a time of fairly intense self-reflection for me; I'm busy as ever between the zen kitchen, a fairly active social life, long-term relationship, family commitments, etc, but there's a growing part of me that's been retreating to look inward the last couple of months. First it was just reading everything I could, watching The Secret and listening to teleseminars and watching Suze Orman on WGBH (who ROCKS, by the way - a new role model for me!) - then it turned into meditation and journaling, and making time for yoga and extra-long baths in the evening. And now, I'm trying to pare down my social life a bit so I can have more time for the meditation and journaling.

Why am I doing this? Well, I'm not sure other than to say it needed to be done. Sometimes (and this last few years has definitely been an example of this) you get so caught up in the day-to-day fires that you end up on autopilot, moving from task to task without making time to take stock of situations and learn the lessons you need to. This autopilot mentality has lead to so many negative things in my life - from the weight gain due mostly to eating on the run and not taking time to check in with my body in terms of what it needs, to the friends, clients and lovers I shouldn't have taken on but did because I ignored all the various red flags that were staring me in the face from the beginning. Now that I'm taking things a bit slower, I'm still getting a lot done, but I'm more careful about it. I do better work, I eat better (and a LOT less - but I think that's more the onset of spring than anything else), and I'm a lot happier with the friendships I've been able to nurture and the clients that are coming to the zen kitchen. And I've finally gone under 200 again - which means that 10 pounds has said goodbye to me.

So I like it. And I'm going to keep doing it.

On Self-Improvement

2007-03-13T10:11:00.000-05:00

This is the beginning of a poem or a story, I know it:

There's only so long you can go on a self-improvement bender before you start to believe that you're hideously, irreparably broken.

This thought came to me about a week ago, after going through a Ladies Who Launch Incubator, reading book after article after book about how to Fix That Which Ails Me, and agreeing to do a six-week service trade with a professional coach because that's just how messed up I was feeling. In every possible way, I was convincing myself that I was broken beyond reason, only to read more and convince myself that I was even more broken then I am. Finally, towards the end of a Human Awareness Institute meeting I was convinced to attend by a relatively new friend, I had a breakthrough. The facilitator asked if I would be joining them for the upcoming workshop they were holding, and I was finally able to say, "Actually, I really don't think it's the right time for me to do that."

I'm done "fixing" myself. While positive change does need to happen, it also IS happening, and I need to step back and accept that instead of constantly trying every new thing presented to me that seems like it might turn my life around.

Is it possible to be TOO social?

2007-02-02T12:09:00.000-05:00

So the last couple of weeks have been literally insane - I've been trying to get work done around the office, but I just keep having meetings - meeting with a client here, a potential client there, meetings with my acupuncturist (to deal with my stress and lack of focus), a woman I'm mentoring, and various networking events - it's been enough to drive me insane. It's almost like I'm compulsively leaving the house.

What's crazy about this level of social activity is that you get so caught up in being on autopilot that you forget that you have a choice. When I find myself getting frustrated because this or that one is "demanding" my time, I have to keep reminding myself that I chose to be this busy. I chose to schedule all these meetings back to back.

So now comes the ultimate challenge - time management. Today, I'm going to look at next week and the coming weeks and I'm going to start scheduling 2 days a week where I will allow myself to meet with people and/or swallow my day with meetings (preferably not SWALLOW the day, but at least I'll limit my meetings to being on those two days), and 2 days a week where I stay in and work exclusively on being productive for clients. The other day will be devoted exclusively to working on my business - admin/financial stuff, marketing, designing promo pieces and updating the website/blogging/all that stuff.

It's going to be an interesting experiment, but my hope is that I'll be able to finally whittle my schedule down to a balanced 5-day workweek, including meetings, etc. The somewhere to go almost every day thing has GOT to go.

And the Tuesday morning yoga class and Wednesday morning meeting with my support buddy has GOT to stay.

Productivity Notes

2007-01-24T13:14:00.000-05:00

Okay, so can I just tell you for a moment how much I love my new laptop? This week has been a flood of meetings and time spent outside the office - under normal circumstances, I'd get absolutely nothing done in that circumstance. But now, with my sexy Mac PowerBook (17" screen too - hazaah!) I've been able to get a fair amount of work done on some major projects with little inconvenience - and, my ultimate goal of being able to camp out in a coffee shop for a couple of hours while I work has now been achieved. In fact I'm doing it right now (tee!)

The last few days have definitely taught me a few things about productivity. Every morning this week I've had somewhere to be in the morning, which ended up requiring me to get up earlyish, take a shower and leave the house. As I went through the day, I've noticed that I'm getting a lot more done - I've been getting where I need to be, I take my files with me on my iPod (which, by the way, makes a PERFECT pocket-sized portable hard drive), and work on things in coffeeshops between meetings. I'm spending a bit too much money this month (okay, WAY too much money), but overall, I'm getting a lot more work done.

I've also noticed that I'm more productive with a clean, sparse desk - so over the next few weeks, I'm going to be looking for more space to store the stuff that tends to overcrowd my desk, and organizing the zen kitchen's office to get rid of the clutter and make it a truly work-friendly environment. I'm thinking I might move more of my crafty stuff into the dining room (I prefer doing crafts there), but I'm not completely sure about that yet.

It's going to get really busy for me soon, so I'm glad to have a moment to get this stuff done now!

I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar! (quietly, yes, but still)

2007-01-23T11:30:00.000-05:00

This morning I finally took myself up on my commitment to go to o2 Yoga on Tuesday mornings, and even after three days of no yoga and WAY more meat than I should ever be eating, I have to say I'm a lot stronger than I think I am. I was able to get through a pretty vinyasa-heavy class (for the non-yoga folks out there, it's this sequence of postures where you touch your toes, jump back to a push-up position, do a push up, arch your back up and then bring your butt up so your body's in an upside-down V shape. This happens about every 5 minutes as you do the practice.) without killing myself, although I was doing it A LOT more slowly towards the end. Still, it was definitely Good For Me.

What I like about going to class as opposed to my normal home practice (especially when the class is at o2) is that it's inspiring - most of the students at o2 are people, like me, who do yoga as their primary spiritual/physical practice, and all of them have really beautiful bodies - a body which, despite having quite a bit of extra padding still, I'm starting to see in myself.

I have so much more to write about in terms of various life-changing moments, but I have to go be productive now. I'm so pleased!

Changes

2007-01-16T23:12:00.000-05:00

One of the things you notice when you've been working out a lot (at least I notice it) is that your whole body starts to change; the fat is still there to an extent, but everything is tighter, more athletic. I've been doing yoga on a pretty regular basis now for about a month now, and I'm starting to notice a huge difference in my overall shape, especially my stomach. I've still got plenty to pinch, mind, but I swear I can see a six-pack under the flab that has yet to go away. on top of that, my arms are much less jiggly.

It's nice to take notice of things like that once in a while. It gets too easy to focus on the numbers on the scale and refuse to notice the small victories that life is handing you.

Winter weather blahs and blechs

2007-01-15T10:07:00.000-05:00

I have to admit, it gets much harder to stick to my daily yoga plan during the winter. I tend to get a touch of SAD, which makes getting out of bed more difficult than I care for it to be (this morning, which is gray and rainy, was nearly impossible), but I'm somehow managing to persevere. The last few days my practice has been limited or non-existent, but I'm going to take some time to do it now before I get into the full swing of the workday.

In other news, I was finally able to get a new (and quite lovely) yoga outfit for myself, as a reward for being so good on vacation. I'm starting to notice now that I don't have as many bulges as I used to have; while I'm certainly not skinny, there's a much leaner overall appearance to my body that I'm quite enjoying.

Not much to report

2007-01-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

Except to say that I'm seeing definite tightening of certain areas (especially my tummy, arms and bum), I'm eating more mindfully, and there is a definite Loosening of Pant. All of which makes me very happy.

Now that I'm back in the grind, so to speak, daily yoga is a bit more of a challenge than it was during vacation. There was less of an excuse then—I didn't have jobs to get to, or things to do, and I could allow myself not to have a choice to do it. Now that I'm here, I'm finding all sorts of little excuses not to do it.

My next big challenge is taking control of my time. This means less time checking e-mail and my various online distractions, and more time making lists and getting through them. The New Year has brought with it a few new clients already, so it's time to get on top of things!

Edit: Upon further inspection, I'm also noticing significantly Less to Pinch, another thing that makes me smile.

It fits ALL. Really?

2007-01-02T22:34:00.000-05:00

Taken from a yoga store's website:

"This tank is available in a single, one-size-fits-all size. It will comfortably fit anyone from size 2 through 8."

I ask you, REALLY. Is that one size fits ALL?

Let me start (well, okay—continue) this rant by stating one thing unequivocally: I ain't petite. I never WAS petite. I shall never BE petite. At my absolute thinnest EVER I was a size 10, and while some probably thought I could have lost even a bit more weight, I didn't need to, and I certainly didn't want to. I, and my body, were perfectly happy at a size 10. I looked good. I was healthy. I was happy. As. A. Size. 10.

Now. You wanna rephrase that one-size-fits-all bit?

After two weeks of daily yoga

2007-01-02T11:15:00.000-05:00

I'm noticing that I don't eat nearly as much as I used to (although yesterday, exhausted from the lack of sleep that accompanied New Year's Eve at my mom's house, was a definite Off Day). I'm also noticing that I generally have more energy, despite the fact that I desperately need to crash hard and early tonight. But most of all, I'm noticing not only that I'm stronger, but that the uncomfortable tightness that accompanied certain items of clothing just recently has lessened significantly, even though it's still on the tight side.

What I'm saying here is that I'm pretty damn psyched and I want to keep this up.

I'm also saying that I managed to meet my goal of doing yoga every day during my vacation (with the exception of the day I spent walking to the store and cleaning the layer of white dust from renovations that was covering my apartment when I got home, which broke me for a day), which means I get to give myself a reward. So sometime this week I'm going to get myself a snazzy new yoga outfit, probably from Lulu Lemon, but I'm open to suggestion.

Vacation Day 3: Progress Made, but Slowly

2006-12-22T11:23:00.000-05:00

So, I'm on day three of the big Florida trip, and thus far I've done yoga every day and evening, and I even got in a 1-hour private class with my boyfriend Nick's mother (who it turns out is a quite accomplished yogini herself) along with my two daily practices. The eating is still not quite where it should be (I'm feeling insanely bloated today from all the food I've been eating and the overwhelming lack of fiber), but I'm practicing compassion and forgiveness towards myself for it, and working towards enforcing smaller portions with myself, which proves challenging with Nick's family; his father loves to cook as much as I do, and every time he does there's a metric ton of really tasty food to contend with. If I can just get him not to do appetizers all the time in addition to three courses, I'd be okay.

Overall, though, I'm pleased. I'm a bit behind the ball on yoga today (I couldn't get to sleep last night, so I'm off-kilter today), but I'm going to do it now. Ta!

Ups and Downs on Vacation

2006-12-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

So here I am in sunny Florida, and while this is, in fact, a vacation, I'm still finding it hard to actually step away from work. Darn the fact that I can still get an Internet connection! The good news is that I can check my e-mail and put out any major fires if they happen; I can also respond to the lovely comments people made on my last newsletter (which you can sign up for on the zen kitchen's website - it's got news from my design studio, a really cool recipe and some links to recent entries on the zen kitchen blog). I also answered a phone call this morning from Kelle Sparta, a consultant who works with the real estate industry, who wants to interview me for her podcast. So all good things, but still, it's work. Must improve that.

Thus far I've been very good with exercise; I decided to start the exercise program from scratch and see if I can commit to a morning yoga routine and an evening yoga routine (more to relax than anything else) every day, and then after a few weeks I can expand on that. So far, so good... despite the fact that I've had people around most of the day, I've managed to make time for my yoga practices.

Eating, on the other hand, has been tough. My boyfriend's family tends to have a LOT of food during holiday meals, and I'm realizing that it's important for me to start seriously rationing myself, especially when it comes to dinners here, which always start with an appetizer I really shouldn't eat as much of as I do. Ah well - a challenge for tomorrow.

Vacation!

2006-12-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

At long last, it's finally almost time for my trip down to Florida, to spend 9 days with my boyfriend and his family. I'm looking so forward to it I could scream. I never realize how stressed out I get until it's finally time for a vacation. Then, my breathing clears up, I start sleeping better, I finally start making time for things like yoga and reading (well, at least, reading - still working on the yoga on vacation thing). When I get back, I feel refreshed and ready to work, but start falling into my old habits pretty soon again.

So this is my new challenge: using the upcoming vacation as a kickstart to a new schedule that still gets everything done, but makes time for things like daily yoga and reading books and magazines on a regular basis.

Let's see if I can actually handle this.

Shifting Things Around

2006-12-17T19:35:00.000-05:00

So I've been a bit moody of late, partly due to the weather (the late sunrises and early sunsets make me a bit cranky), and partly because of the insanity of holiday schedules. One of the things I realized was making me cranky was actually my bedroom - although it was mostly fine, I had these very dark brown curtains hanging on the windows which made it incredibly dark in the room at all times. Even with the curtains open, there was almost no light coming in. Add that to a dark red comforter on the bed and just a lot of red and black in the room in general, and my room was really, really dark and kind of depressing, which was affecting my mood when I woke up, which was affecting my mood for the rest of the day. You see the pattern.

So, today I decided to do something about it. I have now replaced the brown curtains (they're going to my mother for her candle shop) with some sunny orange curtains that let in plenty of light. I still have the red comforter, but it's covered by a light green super-fuzzy blanket, and all of the furniture has been moved around to a much better configuration. I have my bed positioned so I'll be able to look out the windows as I wake up, and my meditation alter positioned so I'll be able to look out the windows as I meditate (before, it was against the wall looking out into the hallway), and overall, I feel much happier about the current configuration.

The next step is tackling the office. This one's going to be a bit more of a challenge; I have a lot of stuff in a relatively small space, and it has been really hard to convince myself that I don't need half of the stuff in there. Wish me luck!

Mindful eating over the holidays: a childish dream?

2006-12-10T21:26:00.000-05:00

My goodness, it's hard to stay focused on eating well over the holidays! This weekend was especially tough; I went to a lovely party hosted by a couple of friends where I was treated to a seemingly neverending buffet of hot chocolate, pound cake and 2 trays of chocolate chip cookies straight out of the oven (let me tell you—if there ever was a weakness, it is that). Today between waking up late from the late night at my friend's party to running down to Providence to spend time with family before I leave for my Florida vacation, I ended up eating a whole pile of stuff I wouldn't consider eating otherwise, including McDonald's and TasteeCakes (WHY did I pick those up?) Overall, it's been a challenge the last couple of weeks.

So it's time to step up a bit with my original fitness plan. A while back, I had made a deal with myself; if I exercised every day (by exercise, I mean 45 minutes of physical activity a day, which can be training on the elliptical, vinyasa yoga, pilates or walking) every week, on Sunday night I would give myself $5 in a special fund which would be used to purchase some luxury item or another. It was originally going to be DVDs, but I'm beginning to think I'm going to start investing in some really nice yoga clothes—stuff I'd feel proud wearing if I have to run out and get something at the store before I do yoga. So this week, if I'm really good and I work out every day, I'm going to give myself $20. Week after, $15, week after that, $10 and back down to the original $5 per week. Hopefully in time I'll get back up to my goal again, and hopefully once I'm back in the swing of daily yoga, I can cut this sweet habit I've been going insane with.

Advice on planning for 2007

2006-12-05T15:28:00.000-05:00

A terrific woman in my network, Kerri Salls of Breakthrough Business School, gave me some great advice on planning for 2007:

1) sketch out where you want to be, personally and professionally, in 2010;
2) break that down to where you need to be in 2007 to get you there;
3) break that down into 90-day action plans to help you move toward your vision.

Kerri is a consultant that helps business owners make more money in less time. I met her during a speaking engagement I did at the Northeastern University XCel Conference, and her workshop on managing your finances gave me some terrific new ideas that I put into place almost immediately after the event. If you're an entrepreneur looking to take your business to the next level and make more money in less time, check out her website at Breakthrough-Business-School.com.

On productivity

2006-12-05T15:18:00.000-05:00

Over the last few days I haven't felt as organized as I could be — my apartment is pretty much in order, laundry and dishes are in good shape, office is pretty well organized, but something feels... off.

What I'm realizing is that, now that a few of my jobs have either been buttoned up completely or are still waiting approval, the only thing left is to work on my own stuff. And that, for whatever reason, always makes me incredibly lazy.

It's time for an action plan. Over the next month, I'm going to be focusing on revamping the zen kitchen's website, re-evaluating the marketing plan for the studio, and working out a business plan for a couple of other business/personal things I want to get started.

In the immediate, it's time to break the insanely overwhelming task of revamping the website into its smallest possible chunks. Home page: done. The rest: well, still needs to be done.

Okay; let's get going!

Thanksgiving: A Challenging Week

2006-12-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

So, by the Monday before Thanksgiving, I was completely burned out on work. One project in particular had gotten me to the point where I didn't want to think about being near a computer, let alone getting more work done for my clients or for the zen kitchen. The good thing was that that Wednesday afternoon, we headed up to my mother's house in Maine, to spend four days hanging out with Mom, my best friend Rachael and her kids, our friend Sin and my boyfriend Nick. I had four days with NO INTERNET ACCESS WHATSOEVER. And it was beautiful.

It was, however, a bit challenging on the diet and exercise front. I actually ate some of my mother's turkey (oh my GOD it was good), and everyone at the house spent the entire time chipping away at the ungodly amount of food that was presented to us - sweet potatoes with marshmallows, walnuts and coconut, a 20-lb. turkey with stuffing, escarole soup (which I made with the turkey stock I made from the turkey bones) and some of mom's famous applesauce and cranberry sauce. I don't think there was a moment in four days when I actually felt hungry. To make matters worse, there was no room anywhere in the house where I could exercise, which meant no yoga, and no exercise other than a bit of a hike with the kids and Nick on Friday.

Since I got back on Sunday night, my eating has returned to almost normal, thank goodness - aside from a bit of ice cream here and there, I've been doing well. But I haven't been able to get back into the yoga habit, or do any other form of exercise with any consistency.

It's interesting to note how such a little setback can throw everything off course.

A Productive Weekend

2006-11-19T22:17:00.000-05:00

Today, in the interest of getting ahead of things and avoiding the inevitable guilt that ensues when I spend time during the week on marketing my studio (don't worry - I'm trying to get over it), I spent the better part of the day making much needed updates to the site , preparing some files for an upcoming call for entries, and getting my monthly e-mail newsletter ready to go out on Tuesday.

The day was positive on several levels; for one, I was up and out of the house to meet a friend for breakfast at 9:30 (a triumph for Sunday - I'm usually not up until somewhere around noon!), after which I went to Advance Auto Parts to top off my car's various fluids, dropped off some plastic shopping bags at the local Shaw's for recycling, and picked up a few things I needed at the store. By noon, I was back in the studio and getting to work. I even managed to get in a 40 minute walk, 40 minutes of yoga, and a quick dinner at Charlie's Kitchen in Harvard Square.

What I'm learning from all this is two things: a) I really do get a lot more done when I wake up early (imagine what would have happened if I had gotten up at 6 - I would have been done even sooner!) and b) I'm much more productive overall if I have at least a few hours a day where I'm not interrupted.

So, starting tomorrow, I wake up at 6, start my day with yoga, breakfast and a shower, and I don't check my e-mail or answer the phone until 11am.

A terrific day

2006-11-17T17:34:00.000-05:00

Today has been great. I didn't get up as early as I would have liked, but I got a lot done today in terms of finishing up jobs for my clients, I ate very well, and I exercised twice — once for half an hour on the elliptical (I do find that daytime television is essential to the enjoyment of using the elliptical, particularly those judge shows and/or Springer—yes, Springer), and once just now, when I did 50 minutes of yoga. I feel amazing.

I'm coming to realize a few things about my time management skills (or lack thereof): I would get much more done if I started my day earlier. By this, I actually mean much earlier — Jeff Fisher mentioned in my HOW Forum post on the same subject that he starts his day at 5:30 AM and takes a nap at 4pm. That way he can get all his work done in the morning with no distractions, and he is finished by about noon and can move on to administrative and marketing stuff. I'm pondering this for my own daily routine—although I would probably have to alter it a bit. What I realized today is that I really need to do yoga earlier—if I could feel this amazing every morning, then I would get a lot more done, and if I had a few hours of really productive time first thing in the morning before clients started e-mailing me, I think I'd be a lot more productive on the whole, and I'd be able to feel like I've finished work early enough—not to mention I'd be able to get in all my various daily distractions (exercise, making meals, cleaning up, reading books, etc.). This, of course, also lends itself to much less stress in my life, because I actually feel like I'm getting everything done and I'm still doing what I need to take care of myself.

So, I'm going to give it a try starting next week. This means some major changes—primarily making it a point to get to bed by 10 on "school nights"—but I think I can make it work. If I could wake up at 6am to watch the Flying Nun and DangerMouse when I was a kid, I can certainly get up at 5:30 to get a more productive start to my day.

The Exercise Challenge

2006-11-16T20:20:00.000-05:00

About a month ago, I made a challenge myself: start working out every day. My workouts would be a combination of my typical exercise: yoga, pilates, and walking to places near me (I'm very lucky to have quite a few popular neighborhoods within a 20-minute walk from me, which means I end up spending a lot of time walking to the store, to meet friends, or to get the T. I would track the workouts on the whiteboard calendar in my kitchen, and at the end of every week, if I had exercised every day, I would give myself $5 that I could spend on DVDs (I do love my movies).

After 30 days, I can proudly say that I have a total of $15 in my DVD fund. I did have one bad week, where I missed 2 workouts because of a particularly upsetting situation with a client; however, for the most part, I was a very good girl.

This month, the challenge continues. Yesterday was a bit of an off day (the only exercise I got was a walk to Porter Square and back, which was about 40 minutes of very moderate walking), but Monday and Tuesday were very good days, and tonight I plan on doing yoga before bed, as well as somet time on my elliptical during the Office.

The next step? Getting my diet in line. The last week or so has been pretty good, although yesterday (yes, again) was a bit of an off day as far as dinner went - Nachos and an eggplant burger at Christopher's in Porter. oh. my. goodness. SO good. Today I'm back to relatively normal eating. More on that later.

Losing Weight Step 1: Love Yourself As You Are.

2006-11-12T21:34:00.000-05:00

According to a recent newsletter by Dr. Christiana Northrup, author of Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom,, the first step to lasting weight loss and changing your relationship with food is to love yourself exactly as you are. With that in mind, during the trip to Target I mentioned in last night's entry, I decided that my first order of business was to buy a few clothing items that would be comfortable and look great on me at the size I am now, instead of my normal habit of keeping my closet full of clothes that are my old size and telling myself I'll "get back down to that weight someday." I purposely kept the selections to a minimum and bought really nice items - a dark red button-down shirt, a brown cashmere sweater, a new bra and two gorgeous pairs of dress pants.

Last night, I made it a point to dress up with full makeup (not a remotely normal occurence for me), and I wore my new red shirt to a party at a friend's house, along with a skirt and high-heeled boots. And, much to my delight, I got several compliments on the outfit from several of the party-goers, which motivated me to go on an hourlong speed-walk with my boyfriend Nick after we got home last night. I also took time out this evening for another 45-minute walk, which will likely be followed up by a half hour of yoga later on.

The next step: examining my relationship with food and fine-tuning my eating habits.

Day One: Back to Size 16

2006-11-11T22:25:00.000-05:00

My name is Dani Nordin, and I turned 30 last July. I was born and raised in Providence, RI, and now live in Somerville, MA, where I moved almost two years ago. In my life, I've been an actress, a performance poet, a karaoke diva, an administrative assistant with a special gift for Access databases, a social and environmental activist, and a graphic designer. At the moment, I am the principal of a small but growing design studio called the zen kitchen, where I help businesses, individuals and non-profits expand their reach through eco-friendly graphic design and standards-based web design (two of my passions). I do yoga almost every day, have just started learning Tai Chi, and am an expert at making healthy vegetarian food taste so good you forget that it's good for you.

By many people's standards, I have a pretty good life. By my own standards, most of the time, I have a pretty good life. But one thing has bothered me since I was eight years old, and it's about time I came out about it: my weight.

Food, aside from being one of my passions, has always been the way I deal with stress. It's one of my few truly self-destructive tendencies; I get stressed out, all of a sudden I'm grabbing a bag of Cheetos at the grocery store and eating half of it on my way home, or stopping at some fast-food joint or another and deciding it's "okay this one time" if I have an entire order of Nachos Bell Grande (no meat, thank you very much). While normally I eat pretty healthy (other than a few particularly indulgent dishes I throw into the mix once a month or so), an extended period of stress is guaranteed to throw any health-conscious tendencies out the window.

I started using food as an outlet when I was about eight. My parents, never a particularly happy couple, were just starting to near the point of divorce, and for the life of me I didn't know how to deal with it. To make matters worse, I was—shall we say—unpopular as a child, branded "the smart kid" by the time I was in kindergarten, and torn between my desire to constantly be learning and my desire for people to stop making fun of me. I pretended I was okay. I withdrew to the library. I invented new snacks.

By the time I was fifteen, I was a size 18, and somewhere around 215 pounds. That year, about 2 years after my parents finally got divorced and 1 year after I had decided to stay with my father, something in me snapped. I moved in with my mother, gave up meat, and spent the next six months exercising every day and living on beans and rice, omelettes and pasta with tomato sauce (it was what we could afford, and it was what I liked to eat). By the time I returned to school, I had lost 65 pounds and decided to switch high schools so I could pursue my dream of acting. By the time I reached college, I was a size 10, and stayed vegetarian for the next three years.

Since that time, I've had two separate instances where, due to the circumstances of my life, I've found myself back around 215, made major life changes, and gotten back down to somewhere around 170. Right now, after 3+ years of dealing with one seemingly insane life-crisis situation after another, I've found myself back at a size 16, as a recent trip to Target has shown. And now, at 30, I feel like it's time to get this thing under control. It's time to change my relationship with food; to stop seeing it as comfort, or punishment for not doing/being what I should. It's time to get myself healthy again.

Over the next few months, I'll be using this blog to share my journey, not only as someone trying to lose weight, but as someone trying to find wellness in all areas of life—finances, stress, time management, relationship. You might ask why I'd share such incredibly personal information with an Internet full of complete strangers, especially as a business owner; the answer is simple. I know I'm not the only person out there who's ever experienced depression, and I certainly know I'm not the only woman who's ever suffered from a negative self-image as a result of her weight. And if my story can help even one person out there who's dealing with these issues, then I have fulfilled the purpose of this blog.