Well, I'm fat.

So the verdict is in - I'm fat. Although I have to say that I guessed pretty well about my current status - I've lost some weight in the last week or two, and the scale told me just about what I expected to hear. And don't worry - I'm not stressed out/angry about it. Honestly, I'm not even really worried about it - because I know it's going to change.

So, to the stats:
Height: 5'9"
Weight: 205 lbs

Body Mass Index: 30.3 (JUST over the obese line)
Body Fat Percentage: 34.9%

Measurements (I'm remembering most of these from the top of my head, so they might be off a bit)
Waist: 43 in
Bust: 44 in
Underbust: 37 in
Hip: I want to say 42?
Thigh: 27.5
Calf: I think 16.5?
Tricep: I think 13.5.

I'll have to double-check the numbers when I get back to the gym today for yoga (didn't get a workout today; just the preliminary stuff), but that's about what she wrote.

What's fascinating about this experience was how calm and - frankly - not upset I was when I heard the numbers. Sure, they're higher than I like, and I still get a twinge of "what the hell" when I look in a mirror (especially when I'm working out), but right now, I just know that it's a starting point, and that all of these numbers are going to change.

So, that said, the goals are:
a) get down to a comfortable size 8;
b) have more energy and focus throughout the day (which is something I'm already achieving)
c) stop getting winded when I reach the top of the stairs in the gym (i.e. three flights of stairs)
d) strengthen my core so that I can do more powerful yoga practices.

I'll re-check all the numbers once a month, and check in with myself periodically to see how I'm feeling, how things are fitting, etc... and every time I lose a size (or achieve a pose I haven't been able to before), I'll celebrate. With what, I haven't determined yet.

I have to admit - this is pretty exciting!

okay, yes, well - it HAS been a long time!

So, it's been a while since I've updated all the occasional readers out there as to the stuff going on in this area of my life, and I thought I'd break the habit of ignoring this humble blog, especially since now things are actually happening.

This month has been amazing on multiple fronts. For one thing, I have been getting tons of work lately, which has been exhilerating but a bit scary. Through my talks with la lovely therapist and with my amazing lifestyle/business collaborator, Brenda Stanton, I looked within and realized, through waves of concern and panic over whether I can actually be productive with all this work on my plate, that all of the various times that I've been truly productive and happy in my life, I've worked out every day.

So, I made a promise to myself. If one of my new clients came through (one that came in quite randomly about a week and a half ago, and thus was thoroughly extra income), I would join Healthworks in Cambridge and start working out every day.

And, I got the client. So now I'm a Healthworks member. It's been a week and a half, but I've exercised more in the last week and a half than I was able to do in the last month. So far, the changes have been amazing already - although I haven't gotten the eating thing completely handled yet, I've definitely been eating better than I was before, I've been sleeping better, relaxing, and amazingly productive. And - this is important - I CAN BREATHE AGAIN! Whenever I get to a certain weight (and I've been at this weight for over a year) I have horrible breathing problems, especially when I'm exerting myself. But today, I was able to get all the way up three flights of stairs without getting TOO winded - still a bit, but hey. It's progress.

I'll probably post more as the week unfolds, but thought I'd share this for the moment.

Promises to myself

I promise that I will acknowledge when I kick major ass and forgive myself for the occasional misstep.

I promise that I will honor my body and spirit's needs and not push myself unless I know that to do so will move me further towards my goal.

I promise that I will more carefully evaluate opportunities to make sure they align with my goals and values.

I promise that I will eat ice cream if I damn well want to, but I won't try to shove food down my gullet just to fill some unknown hole.

I promise that I will take charge of my finances once and for all, even if that means seriously buckling down for a year or two to pay off the hideous and evil debt (including the student loans).

I promise that, next year, I will have made more money than last year - and I promise that it will be accomplished without losing sight of my health and well-being.

I promise that I will continue to kick major ass, because I'm damn good at it.

Spring is here!

Okay, so yeah - I haven't been posting here for a while. But things have been going terrifically well - I think spring fever has finally gotten to me, and I've been clearing out all sorts of junk, both emotionally and physically. Not only was I finally able to get rid of some old-relationship baggage I'd been carrying around with me for years, I was able to finish the zen kitchen's website after six months of stalling, I rearranged my office to be LITERALLY 100% more productive (I actually have a reading/sketching/laptop using nook now!), and I've been able to start tearing through the pile of magazines and books that have been staring me in the face for months.

The further upside of all this lovely productivity is that the weather has been wonderful, so I've been forcing myself to get out and enjoy it for at least an hour per day, and that has not only improved my mood, but I've been seeing increased smallness as well!

Okay, so now I have to head out for brunch with my boyfriend, but thanks for letting me fill you all in on this recent goodness!

Getting over something(s)

So, I've been fighting off some mystery illness for about a week now - I thought I had gotten over it with antibiotics, but a whole new crop of nasty popped up. I'm reasonably functional, but I have a dry, sore throat in the mornings, my breathing is strained, and my chest feels like it's filled with rubber bands. Ick Ick Ick.

Part of this, I'm guessing, is emotional.

This has been a time of letting go all around - I realized yesterday (with no particular provocation) that a few of the more questionable relationship choices I've made were still lurking in my psyche, and part of that was due to a "memory box" I kept in my built-in hutch. Much of the memory box was filled with correspondence from friends, Christmas cards and the like, but there were also collections of letters from all three of the toxic relationships that currently won't leave my brain. The e-mails from the man who really really liked me until three weeks in before he started panicking, the letters from the guy who was just plain psycho, an unsent letter to a man I should have left less than a month into a 3-month drama stint. All there, all shoving themselves into my line of vision.

Needless to say, most of the box's contents are now in the recycling bin. They go out permanently tomorrow evening. I slept pretty well (despite a minor fit of restlessness) last night, and woke up in a good mood this morning. And the ick is starting to get better. See the connection?

Getting clearer

This week has been... interesting. Challenging, but interesting.

I realized after a day of being completely useless and, frankly, miserable that, as much as I'd sometimes really like to, I just can't do the after-midnight bedtimes anymore. I wake up too late and feel like a wreck the next day. Part of the late bedtime was due to my own procrastination, as well as my insistance on taking on more during the day than is physically possible (because yeah, I'm Superwoman like that). On Monday, I stayed up until about 2am working on a strategic vision and marketing plan for the zen kitchen, which is a surprisingly exhausting and somewhat scary activity. I'm actually starting to think like a CEO, and being someone who hated corporate in all its incarnations, this is a very new thing for me. So I'm working through it.

Meanwhile, there have been a LOT of positives this week. I seem to be getting smaller again (although I'm not completely sure how), I was able to complete the marketing plan and create a manageable system to market myself each week/month (with actual milestones to track progress), and I'm about halfway done with the tzk mission statement; now I just have to figure out what makes me unique in the marketplace, and start seriously looking at who my competitors are and how I can distinguish myself from them. In the meantime, I have a few new projects trickling in, and a lot of people asking about my services - which is just LOVELY.

That's all to report for now.

Happiness abounds

Okay, so I haven't been feeding myself that well lately (damnable PMS!) but today, I am in the best mood ever. In a meeting with a potential client (where I was more authentically me and truly effective and clear at What I Do than I've been since I started this business), I realized what I'd been missing - it was that authenticity piece, and that chance to bring a truly well-rounded suite of services to the zen kitchen's clients. For the first time since I hung up my shingle almost a year and a half ago, I was able to communicate with clarity and conviction what I am for my clients - a creative problem solver. Someone who can listen to the challenges you're facing in your business and come up with ideas that can help you turn those problems around. And not only can I come up with the ideas, I have the design talent and creative vision to help you solve those problems on every level, from brand design and print/web pieces to new and simple ways to enhance your customer's experience with your brand. I feel so alive and happy now that I want to squee!

All right - must be productive. But I thought I'd share that as a change from my last few days of whining.